Aries | For some reason you’re holding a gigantic cross and looking straight into a burning sun this week. It’s a dark circle of light in the bottom.
Taurus | You have a belief in the superiority of Eurocentric biology, but now the Knights Templar are coming after you. (Bless you, God.)
Gemini | Due to some accident of nature, you once again find yourself in the position of being both despised and under the caring leadership of your unworthy master.
Cancer | It wasn’t for your great intellect, impressive costume, or complex movement, that the Inquisitor burned you at the stake.
Leo | You’ll make a resounding success of your bid to be the new spokesman for the crackpot Boy Scouts.
Virgo | In the end, the people of Great Britain were just happy to see you go.
Libra | There’s a force without bounds that allows anyone to be in any movie.
Scorpio | The Smurfs win a seat on the plane during a scary flight. Suddenly they’re really creepy.
Sagittarius | The answer to your problems is just up the road, but they might not be there next week.
Capricorn | When the bucket drops and the holler drops and the sky falls on your head, you might be tempted to chase the sounds away, calling them things that you don’t really want to be called.
Aquarius | This week, instead of the feeling that you’re in a dumb sitcom, you’ll just be saying “bendmoor” all the time.